


*dabs into oblivion*

by LunaElementa



Category: Fanfic - Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Action/Romance, Bromance, Comedy, Coming of Age, Dabbing, Drama, F/F, F/M, How Do I Tag, M/M, Not Harry Potter Fanfic, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Original Slash, Original Universe, Other, Pain, Read at Your Own Risk, Sadness, Slash, Slice of Life, Teen Angst, Tragedy, WHAT HAVE I DONE!, my immortal fanfic, my little pony - Freeform, teen drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-19 10:52:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19355566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaElementa/pseuds/LunaElementa
Summary: “You won’t want to read this. Or maybe you will. Idk I’m not ur mom it’s a free country make your own goddamn decisions”





	1. Wherefore Art Thou Bae

*Whoosh*

 

Down the hall daniel did an incredible backflip

“Damn daniel, back at it again with dem gymnastics shit”

“Why thank you jeffrey, I appreciate your flattering comment” 

“Uhmm.. actually, my name jeff”

 

Chrissy T was nothing.

Then she walked by, she was beautiful like, like ……  colors and shit.

 

“Daaaammmnnnn  giirrll.” Christopher breathed out breathily. His started to feel uncomfortably hot, blushing so violently he looked like a red smurf. Which should be impossible because he was wearing the saggiest basketball shorts, flip flops, a _Supreme_ t-shirt and sunglasses (the epitome of litness and fleek).

“Shit, chrissy T you into Britney houston. I don’t blame you bro, she is bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious. If I weren’t with Jeremy i’d probs be like dat too”

“ yo yO Yo _BACK UP BRO. “_

 _“_ Dude chill”

“I call dibs. Respecttttt the bro code _bruh”_

“Bro i wasn’t-”

“BRUH” Christopher said aggressively

“Bruh” Jared said defensively

“ _Bruh”_ Christopher said apologetically

“ _Bruuh”_ they both intoned at the same time, but, like, with affection and shit.

Then they hugged, but no homo though. Maybe a little homo cause jared. But he faithful, so it's all platonical and shit.

 

Ebobby walked up to them. She was wearing a blak ripped t-shirt, blak fishnets over her blak jeans, blak boots with blak heels, blak eyeliner, blak lipstik and blak eyeshadow. She also had blak earrings whith pentagrms (geddit cuz she's goffik).

 

“Hey wassup gurrlll?” Chrissy T said enthusiastically. 

“Nuthin.” Ebobby said in a gothic way. 

“Dats cool.” Jarrad said all chill-y. 

“How woz dat partay doe?” Chris h  reminiscently.

“What party?” 

“THE. PARTY.”

“Didn’t go. Too many prepz and Tom Anderson-y kids.”

“It was so lit. I can’t even.”

“Wait. Wat are we wearing for flannel friday?” Jared said worriedly.

“We are hundo p not doing flannel friday.” Chris said all irritatedly.

“Yeah man, flannel friday is lame af.” Ebobby said angrily.

“Come on. Flannel friday is totally a thing right now. TBT that time in year seven when we all wore matching pink flannel. #squadgoals.”

“Dats not ok, bro. You can’t tell go telling peeps about dat.”

“Sorry, bro.”

“It’s all g bro.”

“Thanks bro.”

“Many welcomes bro.”

 

Christopher turned to ebobby, suddenly struck with an idea to score with britney and make her his bae for life.

“Yo ebobby, are u like, friends with britney houston or…”

“EWW, UGH LIK I WOULD EVA BE FRENDS WIF DAT FOKING PREPP” Ebobby yielded then started to cry tears of blood smexily and all sensitive like.

Then she ran away, but  not before handing out hot topic vouchers and handmade tickets to her next band concert like to caring friend she is.

 

Chrissy T felt sad, all he wanted was for Ebobby to conspicuously slip a love poem he wrote into Britney Houston's locker.

  


**Wherefore art thou Bae?**

By Christopher Troglodyte

Wherefore art thou bae,

On this fine summer's day.

Thou art fleek

Thou art lit

Thou art kind and quick of wit

 

Into thy DM’s I shall slide

But thy musn’t curve nor hide

For I, a humble dudebro

Wish only to be by your side. 

 


	2. The Mysterious Dab...

Chrisy t was staring at britney she was so hot and fleek she was chatting with that frind of hers brooke or something they where la huging and stuff frienship is magic he thoiught but was then worried abot that thought as his perants had been arguaing abot wether My little pony frienship is magic is better that eqestrian girls and home was really tense and embarrasing for such a coo dude like chrissy t.

 

Britney then started making out in the library hall way with Brooke. Christopher remembered when during valentines day Britney and Brooke had gone on a (totally platonic) date and when they (totally platonically) confessed their undying love to eachother and how they were now (totally platonically) making out, when he was suddenly struck with a thought suddenly…… WOW BRITNEY AND BROOK HAVE A REALLY GREAT FRIENdSHIP WOW I WISH ME AND JARED COULD BE THAT CLOSE WOW AND OPEN Wow cool cool friendship wow.

 

Suddenly swag music started to blast through the library speakers. 

Chris jumped up, “Man. This beat mad cool. This is totally my jam!” 

He started krumping, twerking and dabbing so wildly that it seemed like the world was going to blow up. 

“Wow. Chrissy T, slow down mate. Your gonna blow something up.” Brik, a random british kid, said worriedly.

“You wanna go, mate? Come at me bro.”

“U wot m8, ill bash ye fookin head in i swear on me mum.”

“BANTERSAURUS REX. BANTERSAURUS REX. BANTERSAURUS REX.” The other kids started chanting excitedly. 

“All right, bro. But don’t say I didn’t warn ya. Jarred, my bro, drop me a sick beat.”

Jarred started beatboxing (if it could even be called beatboxing, he was mainly spitting into his hand and panting heavily) while Chrissy T whipped and nae naed ferociously.

Brik, not one to be out danced, started to aggressively shuffle, his thicc brows pumping to the beat.

Chrissy T was shook, he only knew 3 appropriately cool dance moves and one of them was the sprinkler. He took a deep breath .. and…… BURST INTO CLASSY RENDITION OF GANGNAM STYLE, HIS FANCY FEET BENG SO FANCY.

Briks face grew red, his brows started to inflate in anger (the natural reaction of the british species) and started to dab violently. He dabbed so fast his arms blurred into a swag coloured cloud around his torso, he started to hover over the ground, the force of his dabbing lifting him.

Then……… he disappeared.

“..? what just happened?” Jared confusedly said confusedly.

“I think he just… DABBED INTO OBLIVION!!!??!11”

Whaaat???? 

Then they went to class

 

(A/N: gaizz stup flming mah stry if u dnot lik it then dnot red it you foking preppzz!!11 ps fangz 2 raven jk fok u raven u prep jk u rok jk GIVE ME MY POSTER BK)(hey not mi fauly you preppy yourselfihate you i wo nt help you anymore and its my poster youhater. DABONTHEHATERS!!!)

 

In class Christopher got an STD. Hopefully if he acted real calm it would leave him alone. Everyone knows if you approach an STD in the wild, you should get reeal low on the ground, make eye contact  and rub your face with river mud. The comforting scent of its natural habitat will mark you as the STD’s young, similar to how birds recognise their chicks or how greek grandmothers slather their children with yogurt and tzatziki sauce.

 

Christopher only used the finest products to maintain his hygiene, because he’s worth it. This included drenching himself in lynx body spray (aptly named “sport”) and getting up at 5 am to style his hair (it took 5 jars of hair gel, 2 hours and at least 3 goats). 

He wears mancealer and a gold bandana, fashionably positioned for maximum swag over his eyes. Effectively blinding him. 

 

Jarrad, on the other hand, was far more refined in his makeup; he only spent up to one hour perfecting his look and used smaller, far more time efficient Siberian monkeys to gently massage and trim his sprouting moustache, opposed to the aforementioned 2 goats that Chrissy T used. No one had the courage to tell him that his facial hair still looked very much like the scragglyist, festyiest pubic hair ….. Yet.

 

“Babe, your ‘stache looks like pubes” said Jeremy, who was currently trying to stuff a wheel of cheese into his backpack. Jeremy was Jared’s boyfriend, and a dairy and cheese enthusiast.  Jeremy, not one to be outclasses by the more talented of his cheesemaking peers, had always aspired to create cheese out of breastmilk. His obsession with cheese and dairy started after a tragic and traumatic experience he had when he was eight at a Chucky Cheese. There were no other survivors.

“Bae, why you gotta be like that?” Jared said saidedly. Jared was not used to constructive critiscism. Or the truth.

“It ok bae, u still cute”

*blushes*

 

*dragosta din tei ringtone*

“Ahh, bae can you hand me my cell phone? I think Chrissy Teigan is calling me”

 

*distressed chrissy T sounds*

“Bro chill..”

*slightly more distressed chrissy t sounds*

“Bro..”

*soft christopher crying sounds*

“Bruh”

*cellphone silence*

“Ah, he hung up.” Jared said staring at his phone in hand.

“What was that about?” Jeremy said

“You know how Chrissy T’s parents are total Bronies?”

“Yah”

“You know how they’re always arguing over whether MLP FiM or MLP EG is better”

(A/N: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC IS WAYYYY BETTER FUCK YOU ALEX)  
“I literally have no idea what you just said”

“I think they finally got divorced over that….”

“Ohh…. should i send him a fancy cheese basket?”

“I think he’d like that”

(A/N: NO IT ISN’T AND IT NEVER WILL BE STELLA!!1!)

 

Chrissy T was sitting on the couch, awkwardly positioned between his mother (helen) and his father (seanathan) watching original My Little Pony reruns on Tv.

Nobody was talking and Christopher was desperately telling his best puns in an effort to break the silence. 

“Uhh.. what did the ocean say to the oil executive?”

“...”

“.. Fuck you” christopher nervously laughed 

Suddenly, Jared kicked down christophers front door wielding a cheese basket and holding a fortnite disk.

“BRO R U OK” 

“ OH THANK GOD, I RAN OUT OF PUNS” 

“Did you try the oil executive one?” 

“Yeh” 

“ what about the ‘stole a pizza my heart’ one”

“Shit… no, anyways, just get me the hell out of here!”

Chrissy T grabbed a cape off the kitchen table before he and Jared ran quickly out of his house. They ran to the local library, the height of social coolness for dropout high school students in the modern age. Jeremy was there making cream out of book juice. 

 

(A/N:Get ready, get #hyped for this littt crossover, bruh)

 

Jenarden was also there, he was being gay for josh. He was being so gay for josh he forgot that he had, in fact, a twin nonbinary womb-pal named janice. They started to profess their love for eachother, deciding to be engaged and wed in the spring. It will be a BEAUTIFUL RIVERSIDE WEDDING WITH A ROOFTOP BAR AFTER PARTY STELLA **WILL** OFFICIATE ITS TOTAL LEGAL NOW NO ONE CAN STOP THEIR LOVE *of science*

“Josh…” jenarden said quietly 

“Im… Im pregnant” he *quivered* his lip, as a little pussy, he was afraid of confrontation.

“And its not yours..”

“PFFT WHAAAT” josh said in his really into science accent

“Its……..( **PLOT TWIST** ) THOMAS NGUYENSSS *whaaaaat*

**(I WILL make this worse)**

**Suck it up janice, every edit makes it worse**

**… is there anything i could do to… reverse this…?**

**$500 and i want you and alex talking like freienddds**

_You two, you drop the stack of books in hand while she walks by, alex say “haha i will help you for i am kind” your hands meet while reaching for a book titled *50 shades of not gay lol u thought bitch* a faint glow of love falls upon the scene, I want careless whisper absolutely BLASTING. The pope sees the *platonic* love and immediately*platonically* weds you on the spot. You spend your honeymoon in a small island state_

_You both Platonically stare into eachothers eyes in the moonlight, any reference to my little pony is welcomed and talk about the nuances of antropomorphic horses until dawn._

_Oh WAit - theres a storm !_

_You and alex are shipwrecked in the middle of the sea_

_You braid her hair into a fishing net and catch  a friendly narwhale that had not learned to fear mankind due to the remote location of your *platonic* honey moon and it drags you to the continent of africa, where you are captured by druglords, only by your wits and cruciaL skills learned in judo class do you escape. Alex tells you she can read people’s minds, you learn that the police in the small city state you are in are all corrupt, the corruption originating from the head of the state, the militiia leader darryl. Darryl is a accomplished accountant and has been systematically allowing her underlings to commit tax evasion and fraud during her 2 week reign. You and alex vow to stop this injustice, and in a fit of cocaine induced rage, gunn down the orphanage where Darryl is holding a dictatorial hold over the small children that serve as both her parliament and hostages. Later you find out  That alex, in fact, cannot read minds. Darryl was just a foreign aid worker trying to save the orphanage from the two cocaine fiends running through the area by barracading the orphanage._

_You killed innocent children, and out of guilt, commit double suicide. Your last words are “Bye.. bye.. sen pai…”_

 

Who is this adisor               

Did i get it right?

Is it ur mum

Jenardens mum sir maam … when i said “ur mum gay”... i meant it as a compliment

As in “ur mum Happy”

My lack of healthy childhood relationships causes me to impose them on those around me, it gives me a sense of purpose and belonging,  I am a therapist and a certified psychologist

  


(A/N:was that good? Did i do it??)

Jenarden was there, he was being gay for josh.

(A/N: i havent slept in a looong time)

Chrissy T, the magic man, does whatever he magic can!

Skidoodle skidaddle bomb threats.


End file.
